It’s a good thing that toddlers can’t post on internet forums, because they would quickly shred community trust to ribbons.
While such nefarious pursuits are typically the domain of internet trolls, I’ve learned that toddlers come equipped with epic real-life trolling skills.
Unlike internet trolls, toddlers have the added advantage that they are cute and cuddly. Ignoring them is made more difficult by this fact.
Especially when they are your own children.
Asking ‘Why’
Louis C.K. best explained the frustrations associated with this particular phenomena. All I want to add from my own experience is to point out that my kids have learned to ask ‘why’ as a smokescreen to delay doing the things they don’t want to do.
For example, at bath time I can expect to get a left-field question like, “Dada, can I wear my fireman helmet in the bath?”
Let’s say that I respond, “No, come get in the bath.”
He will respond, “But dada, why?”
I don’t want to be the Dad that just says, “Because I said so, that’s why.” He’s asking for a reason and I want to give him a good one. But what reason can I give him?
On the one hand, I think, it’s a plastic fire helmet and I doubt it will get ruined by getting wet. It’s also an opportunity for creative play in the tub that my kid suggested on his own initiative, so I should probably encourage that.
But on the other hand, he loves this plastic fire helmet, to the point that if it gets wet and the sticker peels off the front I will probably be in for enduring a couple hours of a very loud, vocal bad mood. And what will Sarah think, that I allowed him to take it into the bath? Maybe she already fielded this request and told him no, then we wouldn’t be presenting a consistent front.
And I already told him ‘no,’ so I should just stick with that. But what if he thinks it’s really fun? Maybe he wouldn’t resist so much at bath time, maybe he would be excited about it?
Did you get distracted reading all that? So distracted that you didn’t notice the naked kid sneaking off to the living room to hide behind the couch? The same kid who asked me ‘why not’ in the first place?
Yeah, me too.
Now I’m playing ‘hide and seek’ instead of bathing him.
Pro Tip: Bath time always goes more smoothly when I can corral the kids in one place. One way is to undress them in their room with the door shut and my back up against it to prevent escape. I’m not kidding.
Creative Interpretations of the Truth
Kids are going to stretch the truth.
When my kids make up a surprising and inventive story during dinner about tiny astronauts that live in their corn, I respond with laughter and praise their imagination.
When they make up a surprising and inventive story during dinner about how they ate all of their asparagus and didn’t feed it to the dog, while I’m watching the dog eat their asparagus, I respond with a lecture about lying.
I can see how sometimes they might get confused.
But there are other times when they make an attempt to mix the two up on purpose. How do I know it? I know it because they try to make the lies absurdly funny so that I will laugh and spare them a trip to time out.
Case in point:
Mr. B comes running into the kitchen crying alligator tears one evening. Between pitiful sobs he manages to sputter, “My brother hit me!”
When I arrive to their room I see Mr. C standing with his hands folded behind his back, glancing around nonchalantly. Nope, nothing suspicious going on in here.
“Mr. C,” I say in my best ‘Dada is serious’ tone, “did you hit your brother?” He doesn’t even pause to reflect.
He raises his palms and eyebrows like a cartoon character and deadpans, “I just sang him a little song.”
I chuckle before I can catch myself. His response is so far from what I am expecting (a flimsy attempt at denial) that it hits me right in the funny bone.
He still goes to time out, so his ruse doesn’t work completely. But he scores a partial success that day and he won’t soon forget.
Pro Tip: If your kid cracks you up when you are trying to seriously administer discipline, go ahead with the discipline to maintain consistency, despite your laughter. Just be prepared that you have now green-lit a series of comical performances that will cause you to struggle keeping a straight face in the future.
In Conclusion
I dare you to hit your co-worker then plead in court that you just sang him a little song. You will be in jail so fast that a cup of Pruno will instantly appear in your hand. Toddlers live by a different set of rules than the rest of us.
Fortunately, this just means that we have to adjust the way we play the game of parenting to compensate.
How have your kids figured out how to troll / manipulate / trick you?
What solutions do you employ to respond to them?