5 Ideas and Strategies to Give Your Toddler Choices

Empowering your toddler to make decisions between alternative choices creates positive self-esteem in your child and makes him a better decision maker for the rest of his life.

Giving choices also can mean the difference between a wall-eyed tantrum and a fun family outing. Toddlers especially need to be given the choice between two acceptable alternatives when possible.

But how do you invent two acceptable alternatives in the heat of the moment, right as an opportunity presents itself?

Opportunities to present choices seem to appear most often in public places where you are least prepared for them; at grocery stores, restaurants or public parks. This quick list will help you the next time an opportunity presents itself, no matter where you are.

If you’ve ever taken an improv acting class you might be familiar with some of the ideas and strategies below.

 

1. Think of Location-Specific Alternative Choices Beforehand

Sarah, me and our 3 year-old twin boys returned from the grocery store about an hour ago. While in the check-out line, Mr. B decided to dump out a dozen blueberries on the dirty linoleum floor.

But don’t worry, Mr. C didn’t miss his chance to contribute to the chaos. As Sarah sat Mr. B in time-out next to the commercial ice refrigerator, Mr. C took it upon himself to carefully stomp every single blueberry into a gloppy mess with his shoe.

Some trips to the grocery store run smoother than others.

But I find that giving my toddlers choices in the grocery store goes a long way toward making a smooth trip for us.

It’s inevitable that my boys will ask me to buy things we don’t want or need. One strategy that works to counter a barrage of ‘The Gimmes’ is to offer them choices well before we ever enter the store and plan out some acceptable alternatives beforehand.

On the ride there I prep them with some trivial choices like:

“Guys, do you want to use one of the race car shopping carts this time, or one of the big boy shopping carts?”

“Which color race car shopping cart should we look for, the green one or the blue one?”

Whatever they choose is fine and I follow through on their choices. This sets the tone for the more crucial choices that I will present to them later in the store to counteract The Gimmes. It reminds them that I will honor their choices.

The Gimmes usually hit for my boys as we pick up the bread. The bread in our grocery store is (frustratingly) located right next to an entire wall of pastries and junk food.

So as I’m getting the bread, Mr. B might say, “Dada, look! This one has a zebra on it. Can we get it, pleeeease?”

To which I might respond, “We can’t get that one, but if you are good and listen to dada and help me get the groceries, I will let you choose a special treat!”

The next question never fails to be “What special treat?”

This is where having alternatives in mind before you ever walk into the store is key. I know that my boys love goldfish crackers, and I let them indulge in those from time to time. I also know they will eat grapes all day if I let them. So I might have in mind that they could choose between some goldfish crackers or some grapes as a treat for being good.

Either option is acceptable for them to eat in moderation. I already reminded them on the ride over that I will follow through on our agreements. Plus, when more bouts of ‘The Gimmes’ pop up while shopping, I can return to our agreement and remind them of the choice of treat they have coming to them.

 

2. Create ‘Control’ Opportunities in Your Home

Toddlers want control. They especially want control over the things in the home that are theirs. This includes their rooms, their bathroom, their toothbrushes, their tricycles, etc. If you can give your toddlers ways to have control in safe, measured ways you will go a long way toward reducing conflict in your home.

One strategy I have found useful is to equip the light switches in their bedroom and bathroom with light switch extenders. These little devices are available online and in home stores, as well.

Or if you want to tackle a simple, fun, DIY solution this tutorial is a great guide.

 

3. Invent Choices Where None Exist

In the beginning, it’s a good idea to get your toddlers in the habit of making choices where the stakes are very low. If you know that you are going to go pick up the dry cleaning and go get your oil changed on a Saturday morning, bring the kids into the process the night before. Make planning a trip to run humdrum errands an event they can take some ownership of and feel invested in.

Lay out your plan to your toddlers on Friday night before bed time. Tell them that you would like to have their help in planning which place to go to first and which place to go to second. Whatever answers they give you the night before, tell them that this is a big decision and you think they should sleep on it. They will be excited to talk to you about this plan again in the morning.

You will most likely find yourself accompanied by some very enthusiastic partners as you set out on your errands. Follow through on their decision of where to go first and where to go second. The stakes will be low for you, but in one short exchange you will have provided a concrete example for your toddlers about the need to consider (‘sleep on’) important decisions carefully before deciding, as well as how to make decisions before taking action and how to follow-through on decisions.

Not to mention that you have transformed toddlers who would have whined and squirmed while running errands into co-captains on a fun, purposeful plan.

 

4. “Yes, And…”

One of the vital rules of improvisational acting is to never deny your fellow actor. This rule guarantees that a scene will keep going no matter how bizarre, contradictory or outlandish the dialogue becomes.

Follow this rule with your toddlers when presenting choices.  When your toddler doesn’t like the alternative options you present, sell them on the positive benefits of the choice itself by responding to negative or disagreeable statements by starting with “Yes, and…”

From the example above at the grocery store, if Mr. B responded to the options of goldfish crackers or grapes by whining, “But I don’t want any goldfish or grapes, I want the zebra!” I could respond with, “Yes, and remember I also told you that you get to make your own choice between the goldfish or the grapes.”

Then I might re-direct him by putting emphasis and interest on the choice to be made with questions like, “I wonder which one you will choose for your treat after you help me with the grocery shopping? I know you really like grapes because they are so sweet and juicy, but I know you also really like goldfish because they are tasty and crunchy. Which one do you think you will like to choose most today?”

 

5. Keep The End in Mind

Keep in mind that the ultimate purpose to giving your toddler choices is to help them learn how to make them. They don’t know how to weigh alternatives against each other or to consider opportunity costs or anything abstract. Go slow and keep your expectations low in the beginning.

Don’t be at all surprised when they forget everything you just talked about and you must remind them multiple times about the choice they made and the agreement they have struck with you. Don’t get discouraged when they respond negatively to the alternative choices you provide. You are still telling them “No,” and alternative options probably aren’t the things they really want. They are learning a lot about decisions and compromise.

Stick with it. Build up their trust by proving to them that you honor the agreements you make with them. They will come around soon to the idea that some control is better than no control and that a second-best treat is much better than no treat at all.

In Conclusion

Giving your toddlers some limited control can make a big difference in how they behave, especially in public places. Using the ideas and strategies above will give you an enhanced capacity to prepare choices beforehand and to come up with good choices on the fly.

While the short-term benefit of facilitating better behavior in your toddler is good, the long-term benefits are an even more powerful motivating factor. Studies have shown that there is a strong relationship between your child’s decision-making ability and his level of self-esteem.

It turns out that the best way for grown-ups to learn how to make good decisions is to practice, practice, practice starting when they are little. The choices you give your toddler today will make a big positive impact on the adult he becomes!