I was born in 1978.
My sisters were born in 1981 and 1984.
I am constantly wishing that I could have raised my kids in the age my mom raised me.
My mom didn’t wonder whether we should eat gluten. She didn’t doubt whether public school or homeschool or Montessori was the right choice.
She didn’t agonize over what theme our birthday parties should be, how long we should watch TV, or whether or not she was connecting enough with us.
She didn’t question whether she was a good mom very often.
She just knew she was.
Then there’s me.
I’ve never counted but I would guess that I doubt myself as a parent twenty-two times a day.
At least.
Should I let them play in the front yard unsupervised? Is four years old too young to start discussing strangers? Am I taking too many photos of them? Am I taking enough photos of them? Should I let them help in the kitchen more? Is it okay that I’m not pushing them to read or know all their numbers and letters? Do we do the whole tooth fairy thing or is that lying to your children? Is lying to your children okay? How much sugar is okay? How much pizza is okay?
The list (sadly) goes on and on and on.
And it drains me. And eats away at my self-assurance.
I constantly wonder whether I’m a good mom. Or a great mom. Or failing as a mom.
I’ve wondered over the years what the difference is between my mom’s generation of mothering and mine.
I think I finally have the answer.
If my mom needed help or had questions, she had a few places she could turn:
– her mom
– neighbors and friends
– the pediatrician
– Spock’s Baby and Childcare
– and her own intuition
While we as parents now have access to more resources for our questions, we actually now have more doubt, more uncertainty and feel less sure and supported than the previous generation.
How can we have so much more information about parenting and yet feel so much worse about how we’re doing it?
We just recently moved into a new home so we have boxes everywhere.
I suggested to the boys that we make a dump truck or crane truck out of some of the boxes.
Before even thinking about it, I grabbed my iPad and Googled “how to build a dump truck out of boxes.” The boys were over my shoulder watching and began pointing out cool photos from the search results and we began to formalize how our construction vehicles would look.
Before I knew it (and without even going on Pinterest) we had some pretty epic ideas of what our construction vehicles would look like.
Painted yellow, wrapping paper rolls for arms, black butcher paper for the wheels to roll on, foam balls covered with electrical tape to look like wrecking balls…
The project had become something way bigger than I had ever intended.
And now I felt like if I didn’t deliver and make the vehicles look like the photos, that I had somehow failed at being a mom. Failed at giving my boys a cool experience.
Or was it failing?
Should I just stick to my own plan and not use any photos?
Why am I even having this internal dialogue?!
By now the boys were restless, had over-inflated ideas of what we had set out to do, and I was doubting myself and my abilities.
I put the iPad down and marched upstairs with my box cutter.
I started cutting up the boxes and Mr. B said “but Mama, you don’t have the photos – how will you know what to do?”
And that’s when it hit me.
I think I’m inadvertently teaching my son not to trust himself.
It’s not an explicit lesson, but it’s there.
Since having the boys, I have slowly learned to not trust my intuition.
It’s not something I’m proud of.
I don’t know when exactly I felt like I needed to check with Google or a magazine or a book or a forum or Twitter or a blog before I make a decision. But there was a shift somewhere. A shift that plagues me daily.
Even though I have more access to information than was ever available to my mom, I am constantly envious of how self-assured she felt raising us.
I long for that.
I want more than anything to just trust my intuition and know that I’m a good mom.
I’m far from close to achieving this, but I have a few strategies to help me on this journey. I hope some of these can help you as well.
1. Avoid TV and commercials
There is a huge gap between what is reality and what is being sold to us as reality. Yes, TV shows are selling you something. Be it a way of life, a style of living room, your wardrobe…even reality TV isn’t real. I feel when I watch these shows like it’s possible for my living room to look eclectic-urban farmhouse style chic and for my kids to never whine and my eyebrows to always be perfectly groomed, but then I look around and compare that to what I see and I feel terribly inadequate.
2. No Pinterest
Some can handle it, my brain cannot. All I can think about is how I should be doing everything and I’m not. Then I can’t cut up a watermelon without wondering if I should have carved it into a boat or if it’s fine to just spoon out the pieces with an ice cream scoop and dump them in a bowl (totally what I do btw).
3. Look through my baby book and baby photos
I turned out pretty okay. What my mom did with me worked. When I’m in doubt about birthday parties or Christmas’s or activities I look at old photos and boost my confidence by knowing that what was good enough for me, is good enough for my boys.
4. Simplify
We have so many opportunities everyday to complicate our lives. I try to say no to those complications as often as possible. Less activities, less consumption, less stuff usually makes me feel more in touch with my own values and intuition.
I often wonder if it’s just me that feels this way.
I hope if you have a similar struggle you’ll let us know. Whether here in the comments or by emailing us privately. We read all the emails we receive and we love when others comment with their own ideas and resources that are working for them.
Great post sister, but I was born in 1985 ;)
But I counted! ;)
That’s what pregnancy brain will getcha’.
That and your keys locked in your car.
Twice.
Only 22 times?? Not to bad ;-)
No, but seriously, I definitely relate! I’m trying to realize that there may NOT actually be a “right” way to parent (shocking revelation with incredible freedom!). There is “the parents way” and that’s about it. I know that nobody else has a child just like ours (same for yours) and so my husband and I are the only “experts”. It also helps to avoid mommy-forums and generally comparing children as well. You guys are amazing parents- of that I am certain. Thank you for sharing your honest experience with us :-)
I love this post, it’s absolutely me. I have a tendency to look to others for advice and help with decisions anyway, and the internet is just an extension of that. I’ve recently realized that I want the boys to have less dependence on others for ideas and confidence, but I’m still figuring out how I’m undermining myself and ways to change that. The only downside to the post is that now I feel old ’cause I was born before the 70’s…. ;)
Hey Deb,
Haha! You are definitely not old! Age is just a number right? That’s what they say at least. I’m glad you liked the post. I have the same tendency – to look to others for help with decisions. Sometimes it’s super helpful, other times it just confuses me even more. How old are your boys? Glad to know I’m not in this alone! Thanks for the comment!!
Hey Sarah :)
Yeap. Less of everything is the way to go.
I second guess myself often, mostly when I don’t realise it and it is going on in the background of my mind. I am not on pinterest or facebook or twitter (although I have previously been on all three). It is just more mostly meaningless input and there is already enough. I buy dvd’s for the children to watch mostly. We don’t have access to commercial television either. So the only commercials they have is on youtube which is a lot but I like youtube. The kids always ask for us to ‘Skip Ad’ so I think its isn’t as bad maybe. :)
Thanks for the post.
Hey Emily – what a boost to hear that someone else isn’t on Pinterest or FB! I agree that it is mostly meaningless input, and there is DEFINITELY enough already. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one that isn’t participating. And then I wonder if I’m missing out. But anytime I get back on I just feel overwhelmed and regret logging back in.
How cool that your kids tell you to “Skip Ad”!! I LOVE that!!! How old are they?
We started a loose version of media education with our boys early on and they have more than a healthy skepticism now of advertisements!
Thank you so much for your comment. It means so much to know someone else is in the same boat!
Hey Sarah,
I have a beautiful baby boy who has just turned four and a gorgeous girl who is nearly three. I didn’t teach them to say ‘Skip Ad’ my Dad watched youtube with them from a very early age because he loved the cuddles and keeping them happy and he would commentate as he was getting it ready. So consequently not only do my children ask (or demand) to ‘Skip Ad’ but as the computer is starting up they know what the screen says and say ‘Starting Windows…. Microsoft Corporation’. It was hilarious the first time my son come out with this. It doesn’t bother me if he can recognise the logo.
I thought of you and this post today. I was making some robots for the kids from some boxes. I made two robots heads. My sons had a rectangle window on one side and a triangle on the other. My daughters had a circle window on one side and a rectangle window on the other. The two rectangle windows I stuck some perspex I had on the inside so they actually were more like windows. So
I construct these things and give them to them without decorations to the kids- thinking I will decorate them later when they are both napping (which they are today because they both have colds). My son has his on for a minute and my daughter doesn’t even put hers on her head. Then my son starts running around with his like it is a bus. So I’m glad I didn’t waste time decorating them and I’m glad I have bigger boxes I can later make a bus with (and by later I mean anywhere from tomorrow to a month away).
I have one good friend whose boy is turning four next month and I believe I will do up my daughters robot and give it to him. It is nice to have at least one friend who would value a robot I made for her son more than a plastic toy I just bought for him. I have no problem with plastic but it has to come from somewhere and go somewhere when it dies. Cardboard can be put in my recycling bin!
oh and my life is so much better without fb twitter and pinterest.
Last week Chris (yes your chris) recommended the meditation series to me and I watched the first one and the way it was talking about all the input really clicked with me. I have been jittery lately with so much input and confusion in my head. So I turned off the wifi and data on my phone and I did not go onto youtube for three days. I have been back on the net a bit today and I am not half as interested in the stuff that I can just waste my life on for no reason.
I getting off this computer now :)
Yes, I totally relate too. I was born in 1978 and long for the slow and simple days back when I was raised also. I totally agree with your statement, “Less activities, less consumption, less stuff usually makes me feel more in touch with my own values and intuition.” I’ve experienced the same thing when I choose…less! Thanks for sharing your heart. It is such an encouragement to my husband and I as we raise our boys.
Hey Marshalene – thanks for the comment. I am so glad you found something encouraging for your family. I find your comment encouraging! I feel like if more people came together to discuss these things we might have more solutions available, or at least not feel so isolated in our own heads. I agree that choosing less usually makes me feel a whole lot better. It’s so hard sometimes though!! How do you do it?
We choose less in several ways. One is by not having TV. We let our boys watch dvd’s or youtube videos for 30 minutes in morning and 30 minutes before nap time in afternoon and that’s it. The rest of the time they are playing inside (in Winter) or outdoors (Spring, Summer) or helping us with chores around house. We also don’t participate in the Soccer Sports program (for ages 3 years-5th grade) that would take us away from family time 3 times a week (including a lot of Saturdays). Sometimes it feels like we are the only ones not involving our children in it but there are so many adventures, times with extended family, etc. that we would have missed if we would be involved with it and my boys have never asked once if they could play. They love kicking the soccer ball around with each other in our front yard and every now and then a neighbor will come over and join in. Another way we choose less is by being careful about all the good things we sign up for….like church committees, Mom’s programs, etc. I could be apart of so many GOOD things through our church and community, but then I would be missing out on precious time with my family. Our boys are growing up way too fast and someday they will be gone, but the programs and committees will all still be there. Another way I choose less is taking breaks from FB. It sucks the life out of me and I miss out on the joys God has placed right in front of me and inside the 4 walls of my home when I continually have my eyes and mind on what everyone else is doing and it also keeps me from seeing the opportunities to serve right next door or across the street in our neighborhood. Choosing less in the culture we live in is really HARD, like you said! If it weren’t for blogs likes yours I would feel so very alone in our journey. Thanks again for being real and sharing! :)
YES AND YES. Amen to this post. I was born in 1983 and had a child almost two years ago. My googling and doubting has led to fear and anxiety and confusion. Several times my mother has said, “Erin, do what YOU think is best for your child.” My response, however, is just to doubt myself.
I am learning a lot about motherhood. And this posts sum up my thoughts entirely. Thanks for giving me the words to express what I’ve been feeling!
Hey Erin – you’re so welcome. Thank YOU for commenting – it helps so much to know I’m not the only one feeling this way. My mom tells me the same thing and is always so encouraging – I wish I could just trust that she knows that I know what is best (there’s a mouthful!) Where do you you usually go when you want more info about motherhood or parenting? Thank you again for your comment – I think talking about this with others who can relate will really help us all! Have a great day!
I usually go to older mothers, a doctor, and good friends who have similar parenting styles and take their words with my instinct and form a decision. Basically people I trust!