“How do you do it all?”
If I could eliminate one question from the lexicon of parenthood, this one would be it.
Luckily, it’s not a question I get often, and I’m grateful for that.
Grateful because I feel this question is both loaded, and dangerous.
Loaded because I have to assume if you’re asking how I or anyone else does it all, you are feeling like you “don’t”. Or that you could be better. At the very minimum I assume some kind of comparison is going on.
How do I know?
Because I’ve been there.
I’ve asked the question.
I would look at the mom making homemade spaghetti and vegetable noodle animals, while also running a business, staying home with three kids, decorating a beautiful house, staying fit and going on regular date nights…and I would look at her and immediately wonder “how does she do it?!”
Which if I’m being totally honest is really more like saying “Why can I NOT do it?”
This sort of comparison always makes me feel like I’m coming up short.
And the really annoying thing, is that the comparison isn’t even based on having all the facts.
In asking others “how do you do it all?” I’m asking someone about only half their life. There are most likely lots to the story that I don’t even realize.
So, I stopped asking this question.
And I’m always hopeful I’m not on the receiving end of it either.
If someone asks me “How do you do it all?”, I feel like I have failed at being authentic.
As I write this blog post my four year old boys are fighting bedtime. I’m sitting at the top of the stairs balancing a keyboard on my pregnant belly, while simultaneously telling them to get back in their beds, and also trying to haphazardly pet the dog who hasn’t had much love today.
I served frozen waffles and sausage for dinner because Chris is at his Improv class and the doctor told me to take it easy till delivery day.
Let me tell you why I am alright with all of this.
I think the reason people don’t ask me how I do it all is because they know I don’t.
And this thrills me to no end.
I feel like two of the most important things in this journey of parenthood are being self-aware of who we are and what we’re capable of, while also being authentic with those around us.
My friends know that Chris and I have had counseling. They know we have someone clean our house. I’m honest with people about how stressed I feel sometimes and how I feel like I’m failing.
If someone asks me or another parent “How do you do it all?”, I have to believe one of two things are at play:
1. The person being asked isn’t being authentic enough and/or
2. The person asking is judging themselves too harshly
So, what can we ask instead?
I propose the following:
If you feel like asking someone else how they do it all, stop.
1. Instead, turn inwards and think about why you are really asking the question. Is it because you’re jealous? Is it because you feel you don’t measure up?
Could you instead stop and think of three things you’re grateful for? Then follow that with three amazing things that have happened to you in the last 24 hrs.
Reframing can be a powerful tool, as can gratitude.
2. If you are genuinely interested in how someone is doing something (say homeschooling while nursing a newborn or cooking fresh dinners with three kids underfoot), could you ask them for some specific resources they have used to help them with that one thing? “Hey, I noticed you have fresh veggies on the table every night, do you have a book or blog or resource you could point me to that would help me with that?”
People are generally very eager to share their knowledge, and with a specific ask, rather than a “how do you do it all?” you make it very easy for them to not only give you an answer, but for you to actually grow in an area that interests you.
And if you’re on the receiving end of the question, maybe it’s time we all try to
3. Be a little more authentic
I’m not saying you have to share all the details of your personal struggles. Only those closest to us deserve to know these stories.
But if you find this is a question you are asked a lot, it might be worth asking yourself how authentic you are really being.
Relationships grow when we are vulnerable and share our realities.
We all come out feeling more “normal” and usually more supported when we share what is really going on in our lives. Or when we ask for help. Or when we share an Instagram photo of a burnt dinner instead of the always picture-perfect four course meal.
So, now it’s your turn. Is this a question you are asked, or that you ask often? If so, how do you deal with it?