The newest addition to our family is due next week on Wednesday the 24th. This little baby boy will arrive via C section early in the morning on Wednesday and afterward, many things will never be the same.
As a father of 4 year old twin boys it’s been difficult to prepare for all of the changes that are coming for us and for our little boys.
I remember all the advice and guidance I sought before my twins were born was very useful for making me feel more prepared, but I also remember that no amount of expert or well-intentioned advice could have ever prepared me for the realities that waited.
I’m sure this new chapter in our family will be the same. Still, feeling prepared has some value. For those of you in our audience who are going through or have already gone through the dynamic of adding a newborn to your already established family dynamic, this post is for you!
And far from pretending that I know what I’m doing, I’m keeping all my questions as open-ended as possible in the hopes that some of you Superb Parents will drop some nuggets of knowledge in the comments below.
1. More Tired = Less Quality
I only dimly recall the early days of bringing home our twins. I think my brain has blanked out much of that time out of mercy.
I remember that we didn’t sleep very much, as my wife and I worked in tandem to breast feed, change and comfort two newborn baby boys.
It was months and months of struggle. But in retrospect, you know what we had going for us during that time? Those little babies were the primary focus of our family. There was nothing to divide that focus.
This time around, though only one newborn is due to arrive (we think), there are two 4 year old twin boys who will need our time and attention more than ever (more on that in a minute).
How do I keep our 4 year streak going of reading to my boys every single night when I’m slogging through weeks of no sleep?
How do I keep our family eating healthy and taking time out to do healthy outdoor activities when all I want to do is lie down and descend into unconsciousness?
How do I limit screen time for my boys when there will be ten thousand tempting opportunities to just turn on Netflix and focus on the new guy?
2. Providing For the Unique Needs of Multiples
Multiples need alone time with their parents. When our boys don’t get it, the acting out raises to a fever pitch in our home. Suddenly any kind of attention becomes desirable, even the negative kind (seemingly especially the negative kind).
We are already very bad and inconsistent about taking the boys out for outings or play dates with us when both parents can be with just one boy at a time. This requires some kind of childcare for the other boy and often becomes difficult to schedule.
We are decent at making sure that at least once per week we ‘divide and conquer,’ as we call it, by taking one boy with me to the weekly grocery store trip while the other boys stays at home for one-on-one activities with Sarah.
But how is this going to work when #3 arrives?
How are we going to eke out some time each week to give each of these great, awesome, wonderful, deserving boys the focused time and attention he deserves?
How are we going to navigate the minefield of competing priorities and intense sibling rivalry that will undoubtedly intensify when they figure out that this new guy isn’t just here for a short visit?
3. Maintaining A Healthy Marriage
The pressure and daily grind of raising twin boys made for the perfect excuse to let date nights take a back seat.
Soon we felt like little more than roommates sharing parenting duties and household chores. While sharing none of the things that made us want to spend the rest of our lives together in the first place.
Our marriage hung by a thread for months. After a trial separation and counseling we were able to find our way back to the place where this journey started together. We found our love again, but we also found a new level of respect for each other.
Our marriage has never been in any real danger since. But the new guy is about to throw everything out of balance all over again.
How will we make sure to create space each week to give each other the time, focus, energy and love to keep our marriage going strong?
In Conclusion
With a new baby arriving in 5 short days, I have a million questions about how we will get through while maintaining the quality time so important to the happy functioning of our family.
I know that many of you are struggling with this RIGHT NOW.
Please don’t keep your struggle to yourselves; it could be that your experiences could give me a new perspective I have never considered, or give one of our readers a sense of hope and solidarity that we all need to get through the tough times.
Post your truth, experiences and and advice below!
I’m so excited for you guys! We are facing the same problems here soon in September with #2 on the way. I don’t have much to offer you for advice, but I will be looking forward to reading about how you figure I out for the rest of us Good luck! You guys are awesome!
Get help. All those friends and family members who stop by to see the baby are also (I’m guessing) the ones who love your twins! People love to know how they can help, so give them a job! Also, having a baby the second time around was so much easier for us than the first time. Don’t expect exhaustion necessarily. You have many more skills than you did in round one. The leap from no kid to parent is much bigger than from 2 to 3 kids. Enjoy the adventure!
See, that is what I have been telling myself: chin up, it’s going to be easier this time! I think I’m trying to remain optimistic of this while at the same time trying to prepare myself for the shock of returning to Baby Jail. It’s been so long since I’ve been there and I’ve probably forgotten so much…
I wonder if you remember what aspects of having your second baby came as a shocking reminder? What was sleeping like for you and your family the second time around?
Thanks for the comment!
Yes patience for sure! But also, staying in the moment. Looking ahead and being concerned with what ifs in the future or looking back to the simpler days or what worked yesterday that isn’t working today gets you no where. All that matters is that moment. Make your decisions based on that moment. You can’t change the past and can’t predict the future. Don’t waste your time during those crazy early days trying to do so.
Sure wish I could edit that. Oh well, you get the general idea.
My simplified but honest to goodness answer is to not let you think about any of this for the first six weeks. Not two. Not four. But six. It’s moment by moment.
And each moment you ask yourself what can we do this moment that is the best for everyone or the best for the person who needs it the most in that moment. If the twins just had a wonderful fulfilling morning and mom is exhausted, the next moment will be best spent with the boys playing independently or quiet time in their room or the TV, while dad holds the baby and mom sleeps. If grocery shopping is needed for a perfectly well rounded meal but everyone is happy at home and there is an opportunity for downtime, you would be foolish to fit in a grocery trip when the less than perfect meal is perfectly fine for that moment.
Nothing good comes from the what ifs, how will we ever, guilt, worry, or desire to be super people during the first six weeks. I promise.
Also, hormones are a real deal and also regulate significantly after six weeks.
And if you are really at a loss (while this is biased), leave mom with baby and dad and the boys fend for themselves. Mom and baby get too priority, sorry to say.
After six (not two, not four) weeks, you can reevaluate and attempt to make a plan.
Good luck!! So excited for you :)
Great perspective. I think the theme I see in what you are relating is a theme of patience. I bet this is what Sarah and I struggle with more than anything else! Sometimes it’s so hard to just be patient, especially with ourselves.
Waiting six weeks to reevaluate and make a plan is some solid advice, thank you for commenting!
I don’t have any personal experience to share to help you out, but do appreciate the vulnerability with which you expressed your concerns. They are all legit thoughts that I, too, have in my mind when considering #2. I did run across this free webinar that might have some helpful info: http://www.handinhandparenting.org/event/siblings-new-baby-parenting-call/ ~ Enjoy that new baby boy and happy father’s day!
I just pulled up the link and will be reviwing this material. Thank you for this timely link!